I am a student who cares about his grades. I get sad when I get a B plus instead of an A minus, and I make an effort to avoid getting a bad score. I used to think working hard to get good grades was a virtue because it made my parents happy. I used to read books for hours just because it was exciting and satisfying, but I eventually became a person who would tell others that I hated studying, and even thought of knowledge with negativity.

Working hard is a good thing, and we all have responsibilities to do our best even when it’s difficult. However, it was getting more and more difficult for me to take pleasure in what I was doing, which made me doubt whether I was suitable enough for a college education in the first place.

As I continued studying in college, I got some “good grades,” which made my parents proud of me. But eventually, my heart was filled with pride—one of the seven deadly vices—because I credited myself. I started to trust myself rather than acknowledge my weaknesses and limits. As a result, I had nowhere to go for help when I was struggling with my studies, and they gradually became joyless. At this point, I was studying only to satisfy my parents, not to acquire knowledge. There was no more joy in my heart while studying.

Even though I noticed that something was wrong with my mindset, I still tried to approach it with my own strength instead of asking God for help.

Then this semester, in the JAF program (to which I also applied to prove to the world that I am a good student), I read a book called Leisure: The Basis of Culture by Josef Pieper. This book showed me a whole different perspective regarding studying. It helped me realize that one of the reasons for my hatred towards knowledge was a lack of “leisure” within myself.

When one thinks of the word “leisure,” oftentimes the image of a person resting comes to mind. However, according to Pieper, the definition is different. He writes, “Leisure is an attitude of mind and a condition of the soul that fosters an ability to receive the reality of the world.” This attitude of leisure forms when someone fully opens himself to the truth around him, and therefore becomes himself to the full extent.

After he defines leisure this way, Josef Pieper goes on in his book to give the insight I needed most. He contends:

“Compared with the exclusive ideal of work as toil, leisure appears in its character as an attitude of contemplative ‘celebration,’ a word that, properly understood, goes to the very heart of what we mean by leisure. Leisure is possible only on the premise that man consents to his own true nature and abides in concord with the meaning of the universe. Leisure draws its vitality from affirmation. It is not the same as non-activity, nor is it identical to tranquility; it is not even the same as inward tranquility. Rather, it is like the tranquil silence of lovers, which draws its strength from concord.”

When I read this, it destroyed the hatred and negativity towards knowledge that I had been experiencing. I always thought that it was society that had destroyed my love of learning with all of its academic curriculum and competitive atmosphere. But this book helped me discover that it was me who had caused the issue.

This story of mine does not have a happy ending yet. I am still struggling to let my own expectations go. I still have a hard time giving myself fully to God. However, as I start to apply what I learned reading this book, I notice more joy and gratitude in my heart while studying—both of which are necessary to eventually reach a point of true “leisure” in my studies.

Ever since I acknowledged my weakness, God has helped me view the world with a broader perspective. I finally know that I do not have to ace everything I do. No matter how people look at me, I am just myself, an ordinary student who has to ask for God’s help whenever I do anything. I do not have to stress just because something did not turn out as I thought it would—I am not the one in control. After all, I am not alone in this process of learning.

To God I give my glory; He is the one who makes every success of my life possible, and He is the only one worthy of my praise. Amen.